A new kind of normal

So it has been forever since I have been up here and actually done in updating. I have tried a couple times but have not been able to get the words to flow. Mostly because when I try to think of what to say, all I can think about it what I would be posting right now if we had not lost Ruth. I would 36 weeks pregnant. I would be complaining of being fat and swollen and just wanting the baby to get here. But I am not.

Instead here I am, trying to think of what to post and trying to act and sound normal. Things have not been normal , but slowly I am beginning to accept my "new" normal. I have a learned to accept that I will never again look at a pregnant women or an infant the same, that it will be a long time before I can go into an ultrasound room with out getting a panic attack, and that now matter how hard I try I can not fill the hole that Ruth left in my heart. That last one is a biggie. I have spent the last few months, crying and praying and trying so hard to figure out how to patch that hole. I have finally accepted that it will always be there. No matter how many more babies we have, or if we never have another one. That place in my heart will always be for Ruth.

And thats ok. With this realization and acceptance I feel that I can finally start moving on with my life. And as I look around I realize that life has continued on with out me.

Another semester has come and gone for Allen and he did really well. I am so excited that he is no longer on academic probation!!! This summer Allen will be working at a Theatre summer camp for kids that the college is doing. It will be a great experience for him. He is enjoying his major so much and it is good to see him happy. This week he tried out for a community production of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, he has call backs today. Cross your fingers for him, he has to dance (yikes!)

Miles is getting bigger everyday. It amazes me how different he is than he was just a few months ago. He talks and runs and climbs. He is still a little squirt, only weighing in at about 21.5

lbs. I think that my niece Betsy who is eight months younger than him weighs more.He is strong willed and stubborn and I will be the first to admit, more than a little spoiled. But he is the light of my life. Just this morning when I came home from work, he saw me through the front window and I could here him shrieking "MOM,MOM, MOMMY!!!!!"

Its good to be loved.

We FINALLY have an apartment. Well technically we have an apartment, but we can't move in until the previous tenants move out. They were supposed to be out on the first of May. We are praying that we will be able to move in by the end of next week.

I am still working part time at a residential treatment program. I really enjoy my work and it is good to have a little income. Even if 8am Saturday mornings come way too early

So I am putting my little ducks in a row and finally starting to make some order out of the choas that my life has turned into.

Wish me luck