One day at a time

The day that second line showed up I thought I was dreaming. But I wasn't there it was clear as day, a second line. I knew that I should feel over the moon. And in some ways I was. But all I managed to do was cry. They were happy tears as well as tears of fright and anguish.
" How long would this baby stick around? Should we be excited yet? When should I call the doctor? Should we wait and see if I start bleeding tomorrow?"
My multiple losses over the past four years had taken away my innocence and my joy. Four of my miscarriages have been in the first week after getting a positive pregnancy test. This makes those pregnancies, those babies, almost not feel real.
I went to the doctor for a blood test and the first two weeks ticked slowly by. I breathed a sigh of relief when at six weeks an ultrasound showed a "viable" pregnancy. I allowed my self to smile, to look at baby things on pinterest, and to tell friends and family our news.
I am now in my second trimester and this is when most women that stress about miscarriage start to relax. The rate of miscarriage drops significantly from 25-30 percent to less than 5 percent.. I am trying very hard to breath, relax, and enjoy this pregnancy. But I have been in that 5 percent and I know that I wont truly relax until this baby is screaming in my arms. So I take it one day at a time, today I will be grateful for the life I am carrying. Today, regardless of the outcome, is a day that I get to share with my baby.
Three days ago I felt a familiar gurgling sensation in my belly. It was my baby doing a barrel roll.  The feeling stopped me in my tracks for a second and I smiled. There is nothing quite like feeling life inside of you.
I can't wait until the swishing fish-like movements I am feeling now turn into full blown nudges and kicks. Little reminders saying "Here I am. I have not left you"

(12 week ultrasound)