My only

Miles Allen Stout came into this world on a snowy Saturday morning in October and changed my world forever. The day he was born was the day I became a mother.

The first six weeks of his life were rough.  He wouldn't nurse, he didn't sleep, he cried all the time. I cried all the time!  I felt like all I ever did was pump, clean the pump, feed miles, wash bottles and start all over again. At six weeks I had what I refer to as a "come to Jesus" talk with my infant. We were going to give nursing one last chance. I spent 24 hours with him naked, skin to skin on my chest. We hung out in the tub, in the shower, in my bed and on the couch. Just mommy and Miles. By about hour six he was doing a pretty good job at nursing. By the next day it was like I had a whole new baby. From that day forward he nursed like a champ, and I kept him in my bed. We both slept and he was happy.  And on bad days all it took to cheer him up was climbing into the tub with mommy. 

Before I knew it my baby was a year old. He was walking and starting to talk. He still slept in bed with mommy and daddy and still loved to nurse. I loved the idea of extended breast feeding and planned to continue nursing as long as Miles wanted to. However, I  was expecting another baby and at about 12 weeks along, Miles started spitting milk out. I am guessing that the taste of my milk was changing and he didn't like it. It did not take for Miles to stop nursing all together and once that happened co-sleeping was not restful and he started sleeping in his own crib.

 

I lost that baby at 16 weeks gestation and was pulled into a deep depression. The only thing that kept me going was my sweet little boy. He always had a smile when I needed it and he could tell when I was sad. He would toddle over toward me whenever I was upset and put his chubby little arms around my neck and climb into my lap. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten over that loss without him.

 

We are often told that our children's childhoods are over in an instant. And I can't believe how true that is. It seems like only yesterday my sweet boy was that little  baby with the chubby arm and pudgy fingers, and now he is a giant five year old.

In so many ways he is different. His face is lean and his arms and legs go on for days. His knees are knobby and constantly bruised. But he is still my sweet boy who loves to cuddle and on most nights still climbs into bed with mom and dad at some point. 

I never imagined I would be 28 and have only one child. That is just not how I thought my life would turn out.But for right now Miles is my only. I don't know if this is a permanent state or not. But for right now this is our reality. A reality that includes,

big bright green eyes

a toothy smile

midnight snuggles

endless questions

sassy dance parties

long convoluted made up stories 

hours of cartoons

mounds of dirty clothes

nonsensical knock knock jokes

piles of match box cars

sweet kisses

and that is a beautiful reality.