Are you going to have another?

This is a a question that I have been asked more times than I can count. But lately as Miles is getting older I am getting the question a lot. This is not an easy question to answer. To give a proper answer requires a bit of a back story..

Miles is our pride and joy. We were able to conceive him after a surgery for my endometriosis. It has been noted that women are most fertile right after this type of surgery. I had the surgery November 1st and Miles was conceived January 14th. That two months seemed like a lifetime at the time, but looking back I wish it could be that easy again. After is birth I immediately went on birth control, it is the best way to control the horrendous symptoms of my endometriosis and we knew we didn't want more children right away.

Miles was born October 2008. October 2009, three days before I was scheduled to have an IUD inserted I found out I was pregnant again. I was in shock. Allen and I's relationship wasn't in a great place, I was still suffering from lingering postpartum depression and we were in no place financially to have another baby. Those first few weeks were hard. I cried a lot. I didn't know what the Lord had planned for me with this unexpected child. It wasn't until the middle of December that I started to bond with the little life inside me. After all, I was a "surprise" baby. It has been said that my mother cried for two months when she found out about me. This was a fact that used to irritate me to no end. Now I understood. Life was still stressful, Allen and I were still a little rocky, but we were having another baby and that was a blessing.

December 29th we went in for my 16 week appt. There was no heartbeat. We had lost our baby. It was devastating. When the whole ordeal was over I went back on birth control. We hadn't been ready for Ruth, so it only made sense that we weren't ready for another baby. I was on it for four months before I decided that the only way I was going to "get over" my loss was to have another baby.

 I went off the birth control and signed up for a medical trial for women who had lost a pregnancy and wanted to get pregnant again. Six months later I walked away with my paycheck and no pregnancy. By this time my endometriosis was out of control and I had not choice but to go back on birth control. I went another six months, had another surgery and eagerly started trying again. The surgery had been a success with Miles, I was confident it would work this time around. I had a positive pregnancy test two months later. I started bleeding the next day. Four months another positive, this time I had four glorious days before the blood came.

I went back to the doctor. There was nothing obviously wrong, my tubes were clear, my lab work was normal. But the insurance we have and our limited resources that was the extent of the testing we could do. We could assume that nothing was wrong on Allen's end because I seem to have no problem becoming pregnant, it was staying pregnant that was the problem.  At this point there were not a lot of choices for us.
We were between a rock and a hard place. Just being off birth control, without adding any fertility hormones, made my life miserable with endometriosis symptoms. The "just give it time" approach doesn't really work for us.

 So about a year ago I made a decision, I was going back on birth control. Not for six months, but not forever. I needed to get off the roller coaster that was the obsession with getting pregnant. I couldn't handle the heartbreak off another loss, no matter how early. I needed a break. So here we are. I still cry when my friends announce pregnancy's and I see newborns and swollen bellies all over my facebook feed. I still get jealous when I see friends being blessed with third and fourth children.  I wonder what they have done different, why they are blessed and I am not.

 I know that to those who are struggling with primary infertility would give anything to be in my place.
 I pray daily to help me be satisfied with what I have. I pray for the answers to give Miles when we asks why he isn't a big brother, and when we are going to have a baby. I pray to be happy for my friends. I pray to see the silver lining of our current place in life. One child is portable and we are able to do most anything we want with out any planning. Having just the one fits our current lifestyle. And I am ok with that.

So to get back to my original question. Do we want another? Desperately. Are we going to have another? I don't know. For now I enjoy my beautiful four year who wants to marry me, and my wonderful husband who reminds me that my ability to gestate has nothing to do with my worth as a wife or mother