Grief

This last week I found out that I am currently miscarrying my tenth pregnancy. For those of you keeping track, I only have two living children. That means this is my eighth miscarriage, this is a
heartbreaking number. But it is a number most people that know me are unaware of. They might know that I have "fertility issues", they probably know about Ruth, but my early miscarriages are not something I often talk about. The reason for this is so hard to explain. In our society we just don't tend to talk about very early pregnancy. Many people do not announce their pregnancy until the second trimester, very few people announce before 6-8 weeks. So in many ways my losses at 4,5, and 6 weeks feel like they don't matter. 30 years ago when pregnancy testing was not as sensitive as it is now, most women would not have even known that they were pregnant.  I believe that it is this feeling of insignificance combined with the intense grief that mothers experience that makes early miscarriage such a tumultuous experience.  It is confusing to be feeling something so primal and intense only to have your "logical" brain tell you that you shouldn't be feeling it.  The problem is compounded when those thoughts are reinforced by often well meaning friends and family.  So many people are quick to say things like " well, at least it was early" and I have to admit I used to be one of those people. Especially after my first loss which was at 16 weeks. In my mind that grief was more intense because I was so far along. And then I had my first early loss, and then another. I could not understand why I was so distraught.  One day I came across this quote and it really helped everything fall into place.

"Grief only exists where love lived first"

What I soon came to realize is that for many woman, myself included, an entire relationship is formed the moment you see those two pink lines. In a matter of hours you have thought about how this child will fit into your family, when they will be due, what they will look like, will they be a boy or a girl. It doesn't matter if your baby is still a tiny clump of cells or has a heartbeat or if you can already feel movement, they are your child and you love them. So when you find out the you are miscarrying the grief is there, just as strong because the love was there. So currently I am grieving. I am grieving for the baby that I was carrying and all the dreams that came with it. I am grieving for how this baby would have changed our family and the joy it would have brought. I am grieving for the idea that adding to our family would be an easy process. I am grieving a reality I never had. And I am grieving for all the moms who are grieving. Especially the ones who are grieving in silence. This is why I am sharing my grief, because I want others to know they are not alone. It is okay to be distraught, it is okay to be sad and angry. In short, it is okay to not be okay.

**I wanted to add that the most important thing to remember is that everyone is different and will process things in their own way. I am simply sharing my experience. I have known woman who are able to find peace after their miscarriages very quickly and that is great. Whatever you are feeling after a loss is perfectly acceptable as long as you are being true to your feelings.**